Not ordinary

How should I begin? I feel awful,strange..like I’m not myself..Maybe it’s because my sister’s away. (maybe we are twins XD ) And she’s been away for like 3days.. And she’s gonna be away for another 20 days.

Or maybe  because lately things went bad,crazy. And because today,at noon, something happened. I realized I never been in love for real. It was just something in my head. One moment I said ‘ok,I’m in love’ and the next second (not really a second – let’s make it better a couple of months) I analyzed the whole thing and said ‘What if I’ll undo the falling in love thing..?’ and it actually worked. It was that easy. It’s like I have an on/off switch for falling in love. And I’m glad I found it. I guess love doesn’t exist after all. No, I’m wrong. Love exists. But not in my case. Not that kind of love. Love is like a circle and I’ll never be able to close that circle. First, because the man I want and I  would truly love does not exist. Second, because I’m not that lucky. I find disgusting the idea that someone could love me..behind a shadow..like not knowing. Not letting me know that he loves me. Maybe disgusting it’s too much. But it scares me. I don’t want to be loved. Maybe ‘loving’ is too much. Plus,the man I want does not exist. Already told you that. I thought I want a true love story, a romantic love story. Like..I don’t know..walking in the pourring rain, funny gifts, crazy adventures (with the bf,of course)..But all I want now is to be free. And the thought of falling in love or accepting someone beside me and giving him my time just makes me sick. Trembling.

I guess that eventually I will fall in love. And that man will be lucky. And if God won’t create the man I want (which  technically is impossible because he would be at least 20 years younger than me – it will be ok with me, but I’m gonna be too old for him^^), I guess I would settle with a nice guy that had some dissapointments in his life and who will be able to be there for me and offer me the things I need and deserve and who would happily accept the love I have been saving for the perfect guy.

My thoughts went on a rollercoaster and my feelings as well. Don’t know what to expect or ask from the people around me. I just gotta be strong and go on with my objectives. I’ll go with the flow. I’ll be me..

I wish autumn was here so I could take a nice walk and enjoy the chilly wind and the smell of,well..autumn.So please,wake me up when september starts .

I guess I’m done.